SHORT STORY😊:~[RF] The Second Best Dentist in Town

The Second Best Dentist in Town

Dr. Marvin Gill was the second best dentist in Mankato. He was 62 years young and had a perfectly groomed white mustache and piercing blue eyes. He spoke plainly and with a conviction you don't find in most folks. If you had to assign him a flavor of ice cream based on personality, most would say the man was mint-chip.

Dr. Marvin Gill was a proud man. He never hesitated to inform his patients about the various trophies and medals he had won, many of which weren't even related to his dental practice (although of course some were). He would tell people about how he had won ribbons for growing squash, raising pigs, and carving wooden sculptures. He took home first place in an Irish jig competition, even though he hated dancing the Irish jig.

He was an avid hunter, and had proudly stuffed and displayed various game he had bagged over the years throughout his office. There was an 8-foot tall polar bear standing on its hind legs, teeth and claws bared in a menacing pose. There was a 400-pound male African lion he had popped several years back, sitting upright, proudly surveying his waiting room. He had named it Vaughn. The heads of various deer and elk adorned the walls of his dental practice. "You see that one," he would say while injecting Novocain into a patients' gum, "shot him square in the heart from 60 yards out- dropped dead on the spot. That was a park record."

May was an important month for dentists in North Mankato- reason being that North Mankatons tended to overdo it in March and April eating Cadbury Eggs. The average North Mankaton consumed between 10 to 12 crème eggs a day. Obviously this over-indulgence lead to a spike in both cavities and diabetes, the former being most important to Dr. Marvin Gill's dental practice. Whenever Easter came around, Dr. Gill would say to his hygienists, "Ok ladies, go ahead and clear up those calendars for the next two months. We'll be drillin' and fillin' till the cows come home." And away they'd go.

Dr. Gill always showed up to work particularly early on the First of May. He wouldn't show it on the outside, but on the inside he would be giddy with excitement. On this particular May 1st he was even giddier than normal because this was the first year that the North Mankato Contests and Competitions Board (the NMCCB) had decided to hold a "Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest". The NMCCB was not known for its creativity in coming up with contest names. When Dr. Gill heard about the competition, he rushed to his stationary desk to fill out, sign, seal and deliver the application to the Board. It should be noted that, despite his best efforts, his was the second application received.

The first patient to arrive that day was Betty Pinge. Betty was a heavyset woman in her early 50s, and would certainly be placed on the 'above average' region of the spectrum where dental work was concerned. She had been coming to Dr. Gill for decades. Despite finding her quite bothersome and a bit grotesque, Dr. Gill didn't mind seeing Ms. Pinge one bit because he knew that she was a guaranteed 4 fillings, minimum.

After Katrina (one of the hygienists) finished up with her initial cleaning, Dr. Gill entered the exam room with his standard professional smile, asking, "And how are we today Betty? Been keeping up with your flossing?" To which Betty giggled and replied, "The best I can, Dr. Gill! You know I just lovethose Cadbury Eggs though... I tend to go a little wild this time of year! Hopefully my teeth don't show it!"

Dr. Gill smiled to himself, though not nearly wide enough for Ms. Pinge to notice. He pulled his stool up alongside her and said, "Well then let's take a look and see what we've got here." Betty Pinge opened up her mouth wide and Dr. Gill, utensils in hand, began his exam. "Hmmm..." said Dr. Gill as he prodded and poked around Ms. Pinge's gums. Right off the bat he was able to identify 6 cavities in need of filling. "Looks a little concerning in here." He said this to Ms. Pinge with an unfaltering sense of concern and professionalism, but on the inside all he could think was "Jackpot..."

The rest of the day went about as well as Dr. Gill could've hoped for. He kept an old-fashioned mechanical counter in his jacket pocket that he would 'click' every time he completed a filling. By noon he had already racked up 42- well above average even for May. Despite this, his competitive nature kept him on edge. He certainly wasn't going to rest on his laurels or think for even one second that he could take a break. No- he was going to drill, fill, drill, fill, drill and fill some more until every last patient that had been booked that day was done, and every last speck of a cavity had been treated- no matter how small. By 6 pm his counter read 222. He said good evening to his hygienists Katrina and Karol, and to Jackie (his receptionist), walked out the glass storefront doors of the dental practice, got into his silver 2008 BMW 3-series and headed home.

...

Now you may have noticed that I said Dr. Marvin Gill was the second best dentist in town. That is because the best dentist in town was Dr. Gill Marvin. Dr. Marvin, too, was a proud man. He had won slightly more trophies and medals than Dr. Gill. Where Dr. Gill had won silver medals, Dr. Marvin had taken home gold. When Dr. Gill won blue ribbons, Dr. Marvin had gotten red. Dr. Marvin had a 9-foot polar bear in his office, and a 500-pound lion. Dr. Marvin did not bother competing in the Irish jig competition, because he was busy winning both a salsa and a tap dancing competition at a better venue across town, back-to-back.

Dr. Gill hated Dr. Marvin with a passion that burned hotter than a thousand hot pockets that just came out of a thousand microwaves, all having been heated for a thousand minutes. It was a hate that burned deep, deep inside of Dr. Gill, but that he never once spoke of. In fact, the only shred of evidence that this hatred even existed was an almost invisible twitch of the left side of Dr. Gill's mustache at the mention of Dr. Marvin's name.

One time Dr. Gill was out having a fancy dinner with his wife, Mary. He had just handed his American Express card to the waitress when she looked at it and said, "Oh you have almost the same name as my dentist! His name is Dr. Gill Marvin!"

While she giggled for a moment, Dr. Gill held back an involuntary grunt and said, "Well that's not me. I'm Dr. Marvin Gill, and I am in fact a dentist. My patients all tell me I'm the best in town, you know. If you're ever in need of top quality dental work, please do stop by."

The waitress then replied, "Oh I'm sure that won't be necessary. Dr. Marvin is FANTASTIC! I'd never stop going there. He really is the best! Oh this is too funny, Dr. Marvin Gill and Dr. Gill Marvin- who would have thought!" She kept giggling and turned away to run the American Express card. Dr. Gill's mustache twitched ever-so-slightly, but just enough that Mary noticed. She was the only one who knew to look for it.

"Oh don't listen to her Marvin! She's just a foolish young girl who knows nothing of quality dental care!" said Mary. "Why don't we go dancing, hmm? Wouldn't that be lovely?? It's been ages since we've danced the foxtrot."

But Dr. Gill didn't feel like dancing. In fact, Dr. Gill felt like murdering... Murdering Dr. Gill Marvin. He stared vacantly into his half empty gin and tonic, lost in thought. "Murder," he mumbled.

"What was that dear?" asked Mary.

Flustered, he replied, "I... I said herder. I'm thinking about becoming... a sheep herder."

Mary giggled. "Oh Marvin you do say the most outlandish things sometimes! A sheep herder- what an absolute gas!"

...

It was now the 8th of May- one week into High Cavity season. Dr. Marvin Gill was in good spirits as he had already had to re-order dental cement twice. His mechanical counter currently read 1068. He was in particularly high spirits as he had entered and won a sack-race over the weekend. He had had the sack stuffed and mounted over his fireplace, with a small placard that read "2016 North Mankato Tri-Annual Sack-Race Winner, Spring Invitational- Dr. Marvin Gill, DDS". Dr. Gill had insisted they include "DDS" on the placard.

The morning had been a bit slower than Dr. Gill would have liked. He had seen 3 patients, though had only performed 4 fillings between them. There had also been an unusually high number of cancellations over the past few days, which irked Dr. Gill.

No matter though- looking at the schedule he saw that the Bigglebun twins were scheduled for that afternoon. Those Bigglebuns were well-known around town as fat little piggies, and as a conservative estimate they probably ate roughly 40 Cadbury Eggs a day, each. Townspeople would often encounter them riding their tricycles down this street or that, one hand on the handlebars and the other holding a chocolate egg dripping with crème, bellies protruding out of the midsections of their skin-tight t-shirts.

Dr. Gill had just finished sealing up a cavity when Jackie came in with a dreadful look on her face.

"Dr. Gill..." she said, her voice noticeably trembling.

"What is it Jackie?" asked Dr. Gill.

"C- can you come to the back office for a minute?" she asked.

Dr. Gill got up and followed Jackie to the back office. He shut the door and they both sat down. "So what is it dear?" asked Dr. Gill.

"Well..." Jackie started, but paused.

"Come on now Jackie, you know it's the month of May. We're burning precious daylight here- what is it?"

Jackie swallowed with a loud 'gulp'. "Well Mrs. Bigglebun just called... she said... she said she needs to cancel the twins' appointment this afternoon."

Always the consummate professional, Dr. Gill didn't show one iota of the disappointment that swept over him, but simply asked, "Well did she say why?"

Jackie grabbed a tissue from the box on the desk and dabbed at the sweat now dripping from her forehead. She took a big, deep breath. "So she said... she said she found another dentist."

Dr. Gill sat silently, but shifted his gaze straight ahead to a blank spot on the wall. "Who?" he asked in complete monotone.

"She said... she said... oh God she said Dr. Gill Marvin! I'm so sorry Dr. Gill!!!" exclaimed Jackie.

Dr. Gill sat silent, motionless for about 3 seconds. "It's fine, dear," he said, again in monotone, his gaze was burning a hole into the wall, "Nothing to worry about."

Robotically, he raised himself out of his chair and walked out of the office. "I'll be taking my lunch now," he said without turning his head. He continued walking, slowly and smoothly, staring straight forward. Without blinking, he walked right out the front door of the office without another word.

...

Exactly 1 hour later Dr. Gill returned to the office. He entered unceremoniously through the front doors and walked right through, again without saying a word. He continued on with the day's appointments. Neither Jackie nor the receptionists said another word about the Bigglebun twins.

...

Dr. Gill Marvin had impeccable fashion. He wore a platinum Rolex that kept perfect time. He had 20 different color variations of the same Ralph Lauren long-sleeve button-down shirt in his rotation, as well as 19 different styles / colors of Ralph Lauren khaki pants. This ensured he would never wear the same outfit twice in the same year. He had slick black hair and a flawless mustache that was so black that, when asked about it, most would say they would never go back .

He always kept the 1994 album "The Very Best of Kenny G" on repeat in his office. While some patients found this music selection bothersome, they were happy to put up with it because Dr. Marvin was such a damn good dentist and snappy dresser. Other than the dead animals mounted throughout the office, Dr. Marvin's office decor could be described as "abstract psychedelic jazz". Think those paper cups from the 1990's with the teal and purple design on them.

It was May 8th and Dr. Marvin had just finished up his last appointment of the day. Despite his marital status ("married"), he usually spent about 10 minutes flirting with his receptionist prior to leaving the office. Although Dr. Marvin was not her type, his receptionist, Val, didn't mind the impropriety. It was a good paying job, and he was a good boss otherwise, so if she only had to put up with 10 minutes a day of mildly inappropriate chit-chat, that was ok with her.

"You shoulda seen the mouth on this gal!" Dr. Marvin was saying to her, "Chompers yellow as corn! Nothin' like your pearly whites," he added with a wink. "Ok sweet cheeks," he continued, "You make sure and get your beauty rest tonight!" He quickly swiveled around and, with his usual swagger, sauntered out the front door. He walked out to his parking space and stopped dead in his tracks. He dropped his briefcase and yelled, "WHAT THE SHIT!?!"

His recently detailed 2009 BMW 5-series had, at some point during the day, been viciously assaulted by the business end of someone's car key. On the driver's side of the vehicle they had inscribed the phrase "MARVIN EATS DICK." in large, capital letters, and with impeccable handwriting most closely resembling Helvetica.

Huffing and puffing, Dr. Marvin glared around the parking lot searching for any clue the culprit may have left behind. Alas, nothing. "GOD DAMN IT!" he exclaimed, as he got into the car, slammed the door and peeled out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell.

...

It was May 24th, one week left in the fillings competition, and Dr. Gill was getting desperate. He had no idea how many fillings the competition had chalked up, but knew that he had been getting more cancellations than he was comfortable with. He decided it was time to change up his strategy... but how?

He was racking his brain on his way to work when he noticed all the billboards he was passing by. "That's it!" he though. "A billboard! Marvin you're a god damn genius!"

As soon as he arrived at the office he immediately told Jackie to pull out the Yellow Pages and find a billboard vendor. Jackie, being younger than 62, opened up the internet and found a phone number.

"Great work!" said Dr. Gill, as he excitedly snatched up the post-it note that Jackie had written the number on and power-walked back to his office. He picked up his desk phone and dialed the number.

A yolky, high-pitched man answered, "Hamp's Billboard's n' Such! Chester Hamp speaking!"

"Hello, I need to rent a billboard for a week," said Dr. Gill.

"Fantastic!" egged Chester Hamp, "Any particular location?"

"Wherever the most cars will see it! In North Mankato, of course," replied Dr. Gill.

"You got it. I know just the one!" said Hamp, "When do you need it ready?"

"Yesterday!" replied Dr. Gill. "We're in the middle of a dental competition, you see, and I need cavities to fill!"

"I get it- ASAP! I can have up by tomorrow! So what's your name, sir?" asked Hamp.

" Dr. Marvin Gill, DDS," said Dr. Gill, "And I want the billboard to say 'Dr. Marvin Gill- Best Dentist In Town!'"

"You got it!" squealed Hamp. "Now I suppose we should discuss our rate?"

"I don't care- just keep it under 5 grand," barked Dr. Gill. All of a sudden he had a thought. "And I want you to put a picture of my stuffed lion on there as well! His name is Vaughn. I'll have my receptionist fax over a photograph post-haste!" said Dr. Gill.

"Sure thing Marvin!" said Hamp, "And you can just have her email it, if you'd like."

"JACKIE!" yelled Dr. Gill, covering up the phone's mouthpiece, "I need you to email a picture of Vaughn to Chester Hamp!"

"Ok!" Jackie called back, "What's his email?"

"CHESTER HAMP!" Dr. Gill yelled back. "Send it to CHESTER HAMP!"

"That's not an email- I think that's just his name!" said Jackie.

Eventually they figured it out, but not before Dr. Gill got frustrated and transferred the call over to Jackie.

...

On his way to work the next day, Dr. Gill arrived at a heavily-trafficked stoplight about 2 miles from his office. While waiting for the light to change, he slowly lifted his gaze to a prominent 10' x 25' billboard at the opposite corner of the intersection. He felt his body temperature rise about 10 degrees, and his teeth nearly shattered from the involuntary clench in his jaw. On the billboard was a beautiful picture of Vaughn right next to the phrase:

Dr. Gill Marvin- Best Dentist In Town!

...

Dr. Marvin Gill blasted through the front doors of the dental practice, nearly knocking over a stuffed raccoon. "JACKIE!" he yelled, "GET THAT SON OF A BITCH CHESTER HAMP ON THE LINE!"

He stormed back to his office. His phone intercom rang and he picked it up. "Chester Hamp on line 1," said Jackie. Dr. Gill clicked over to line 1.

"HAMP! YOU IMBECILE!" screamed Dr. Gill.

"Mr. Gill- is something wrong with your billboard?" he asked, frightened.

"It's DR. Gill to you! And you're God Damn right something's wrong!" Dr. Gill replied, "You put that bastard Gill Marvin's name up there by mistake!"

"Oh my goodness... I am so sorry!" replied Chester. "Oh dear oh dear... it'll take a week to get that fixed!"

"I DON'T HAVE A WEEK, DAMNIT!" yelled Dr. Gill. "Your incompetence has buried me!"

"So... so sorry... let me see... uhhh... oh my... we'll have it taken down right-" Chester Hamp was cut off by Dr. Gill forcefully hanging up the phone on its receiver.

While this was clearly and solely the fault of Chester Hamp, Marvin Gill's rage was instinctively directed 100% at Dr. Gill Marvin. He began to experience what is commonly referred to in the psychological community as "tunnel-vision," and at the other end of that tunnel was Dr. Marvin's greasy head on a platter. He couldn't focus on work. He couldn't focus on Hamp. All he could do was clench his jaw, ball up his fists on his desk, glare at his mallard duck paperweight, and hyperventilate.

It took ten minutes for Dr. Gill to chill the F out, but the rage was still there- smoldering with consistent heat, just beneath the thin layer of ash that was his arrant professionalism. At this point he couldn't even determine if he was more concerned with winning the competition, or simply wiping Dr. Gill Marvin off the face of the planet.

"No," he thought. "That would be too easy... You're better than that." And with that he resolved he would win the competition, no questions asked. He didn't care if he had to grab homeless people off the street and drag them in for fillings, free of charge. If it meant beating that rat-bastard, he would do it...

And that's just what he did.

...

By May 26th word had gotten around through the homeless community that some crazy dentist was giving away free dental work. When Dr. Gill arrived at his shop that day there was a line out the door and around the corner of smelly bums, hobos, vagrants and vagabonds, smiling and greeting Dr. Gill as he walked by downing his gigantic cup of black coffee.

"Not taking any calls today Jackie!" he said with a wave, as he quickly passed through the waiting room and into the prep area. He popped on a couple rubber gloves, sat down in exam room one and gave Karol a quick hand gesture, letting her know to start sending them in.

Between the hours of 7 am and 7 pm (as he would now be staying open late AND on weekends), Dr. Gill spent every minute that day and the next 5 days doling out fillings to the homeless. He was racking up so many fillings now that his mechanical counter had broken and he had to use a whiteboard to write down the running total. In fact, he was so busy that he asked his wife Mary to come in just to keep the board updated!

Despite the fact that he was hemorrhaging money, and that his office smelled like urine and garbage, Dr. Gill couldn't have been happier. "There's no WAY I can lose this thing! These homeless peoples' teeth are like black gold!!!" He was treating close to 25 patients a day, sending each and every one of them on their way with a smile and a bag containing floss, a toothbrush, and a miniature tube of Crest toothpaste.

Eventually the local news caught wind of what was going on at Dr. Gill's dental practice, and they ate it up. The headline in the paper read "LOCAL DENTIST GIVES HOMELESS A MOUTHFUL OF HOPE". The 10 o'clock news did an interview with several of the people who had been treated, each of them calling Dr. Gill a saint, a hero, a great man. The PR couldn't have been any better!

And then came May 31st.

...

It was the home stretch. The final countdown. The whole shebang. All the marbles. Everything on the line. It all comes down to this. No holds barred.

Marvin Gill had been racking up so many fillings over the last week that his hands were now covered in calluses. It was 4:55 pm, and the "Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest" had a strict deadline of 5:00 pm on May 31st. Dr. Gill finished up 2 last minute fillings just as the clock struck 5. He walked over to the white board and asked, "Mary, may I do the honors?"

"Of course dear!" she replied, smiling and handing him the black dry-erase marker. He took it from her, erased the last digit of the running count, and inked the new grand total of 5,308. He stepped back and admired his handy work. It was one of the finest "8"s he had ever written. "You've outdone yourself this time," Thought Dr. Gill, "You magnificent son of a bitch."

"Well," said Dr. Gill, "Better get everything in to the NMCCB." Jackie gathered up the months' dental records- a stack of paper nearly a foot tall- and followed Dr. Gill out to the parking lot. They both got into Dr. Gill's 3-series and headed to the Official NMCCB Contest Headquarters.

The North Mankato Contests and Competitions Board Contest Headquarters was far-and-away the most impressive building in North Mankato. Designed using the principles of early 1960's brutalist architecture, the looming 7-story concrete structure looked like a giant upside-down trapezoid. There were maybe 100 dark rectangular windows glaring out over the much-larger-than-necessary parking lot. At the very bottom of the trapezoid, dead-center was a single automatic sliding glass door, in front of which now stood Dr. Marvin Gill and his receptionist, just out of range of the sensor.

"Well Jackie, here goes nothing!" said Dr. Gill excitedly, but just as he turned from Jackie toward the door he heard a voice yelling at him from across the parking lot.

"Marvin Gill! Hey Marvin how ya doin' bud?! Thought I'd see you here!" yelled Dr. Gill Marvin as he jogged over toward Dr. Marvin Gill. Two of his gals were running behind him trying to keep up, arms full of paperwork. A small bead of sweat dripped down the side of Dr. Gill's forehead, and the left corner of his mustache twitched ever-so-slightly.

"Dr. Marvin. How are you?" said Dr. Gill, showing every ounce of restraint.

"Stack's lookin' a little thin there, ey' Gilly Boy?" smirked Dr. Marvin.

Dr. Gill clenched his jaw and replied, "You and I both know it's not the size of the stack, Gill. Hell, I've got a patient record in there showing 12 fillings in one visit."

"Sure ya' do, bud," scoffed Dr. Marvin. "Say, you wouldn't happen to know a good auto detailer, would'ya'? Some A-hole did a real number my Beamer the other day. Scratched the hell outta the thing!"

Dr. Gill forced back a smirk. "Nope, sorry."

"Jeez... Oh well, I better get in there so they can start countin' all my records! Somethin' tells me it'll take'em a while. C'mon ladies- move those sweet petutes!" And with that Dr. Marvin walked through the automatic door and into the Contest HQ, gals-in-tow.

"Good God I hate that man," muttered Dr. Gill.

Jackie turned to Dr. Gill and stated, simply, "You're 10 times the dentist he is, Doc."

Dr. Gill smiled and looked at Jackie. "You're alright kid," he said. "You're alright." After a brief pause, he turned and looked at the doorway, "Ok then. Let's do this." And with that, they walked in.

...

It had been 3 days since the NMCCB had received it's submissions for the "Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest" (all 2 of them), and the results had still not been announced. Dr. Gill had been having Jackie call the NMCCB Hotline every hour on the hour since June 1 to see if they had determined a winner. The NMCCB utilized an automated answering system, which took approximately 30 minutes to get through, so poor Jackie had to spend half of her working day dealing with it.

Finally, at 1 pm on June the 4th, there was a breakthrough. "We have the results," said the NMCCB official on the other end, "The announcement and awards ceremony will be held tonight at 7 pm. So Sayeth The Board." Jackie didn't even have time to respond before the line disconnected from the other end.

Jackie rushed back to the exam room to let Dr. Gill know. "Excellent," remarked Dr. Gill. "Please call Mary and let her know I'll need my tuxedo dry cleaned and ironed ASAP." He continued on with his current appointment showing absolutely no sign of concern or apprehension. That being said, he was all butterflies on the inside.

...

Now if there was one thing the NMCCB was known for, it was throwing awards galas. The NMCCB Banquet Hall was lavishly adorned with elegant table settings, glittering chandeliers, intricate floral arrangements, and an all-you-can-eat buffet spread that would make Wolfgang Puck cum in his pants. There were about 350 guests in attendance, which would seem odd considering the particular nature of the competition and the fact that there were only 2 entrants, but was in fact not odd because all North Mankaton's were well aware of the caliber of an NMCCB awards gala, and the trouser-jizzing quality of the free buffet that was always offered.

Dr. Gill and Mary were seated at one of the tables nearest the stage, Mary in her finest evening gown and Dr. Gill in his clean-and-pressed tuxedo. They were both enjoying some lobster thermador with a heaping side of caviar and Fiji Water, when an older-looking gentleman (also dressed in a tuxedo) walked up on stage and approached the announcement podium.

"Ehem," he began. The room fell silent. He continued, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the NMCCB 'Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest' Awards Ceremony!" There was a generous round of applause.

"I am Kurt Prune, chairman of the NMCCB, and will be your host for the evening. Now, before we announce the winner- HEY! YOU BIGGLEBUN TWINS PUT THAT DOWN!" Mr. Prune exclaimed as he pointed toward the buffet, where two fat little boys were attempting to carry away a giant tray of desserts. The entire room turned their heads to look. The Bigglebuns dropped the tray with a loud clang and scurried out the back door, farting and giggling all the way.

"GOD DAMN IT!" yelled Kurt Prune, "EVERY FUCKING TIME!"

The room stayed quiet while Mr. Prune collected himself. "I'm sorry about that," he said, "As I was saying... before we announce the winner, I would like to thank all of our contestants for their participation in yet another fantastic NMCCB Competition!" A generous round of applause followed.

"Thank you, thank you," he continued. "So, without further ado. The records have been counted- and I must say this was one of the closest competitions we've ever seen- Only 10 fillings separated the winner and the runner-up!"

Quite murmurs spread throughout the audience. "Oh my!" "Ten fillings!" "Such suspense!"

"Yes, yes it is very exciting," he continued. "So, as I was saying- the winner, by 10 fillings, of the NMCCB Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest is....... Dr. Gill Marvin!!!"

The room burst into applause. Gill Marvin stood up with a huge shit-eating grin on his face. Smiling and waving to the crowd, he headed up to the stage.

Dr. Marvin Gill felt his heart drop down through his guts and fall out of his ass.

Dr. Marvin had just stepped up on to the stage, when right at that moment a loud THUD was heard throughout the banquet hall. The entire room turned their heads to the back door, where someone had just burst in.

"Just wait one god damn minute!!" squealed a voice from the back of the banquet hall. Though Dr. Gill had never seen this man before, he immediately recognized the voice belonging to none other than Chester Hamp of Hamp's Billboards 'n' Such. He was a short, portly man who wore a black visor, white shorts, flip flops, and a flowing Tommy Bahama shirt that had a decorative pattern of fish hooks and wooden steering wheels.

Hamp sprinted as fast as his legs would carry him up to the announcement podium and he pushed Kurt Prune aside. There was a collective gasp throughout the banquet hall. Hamp was completely out of breath, and needed to lean on the podium for about 20 seconds, breathing heavily before he collected himself. He sniffed his armpits, and began-

"My name is Chester Hamp. As you may know, I run North Mankato's premier billboard rental service: Hamp's Billboards 'n' Such. However, what you may not know is that I am also a licensed private investigator! Actually, that is what the "Such" in "Billboards 'n' Such" stands for- private investigations."

Hamp continued, "Now, recently Dr. Marvin Gill contacted me about renting a billboard to advertise his dental practice. I gleefully accepted his request, but made a major error in printing the signage! Instead of placing Dr. Marvin Gill's name on the billboard, I printed the name 'Dr. Gill Marvin' by mistake! Now, Chester Hamp may be a lot of things, but he always does right by his customers! When I learned about my mistake, I couldn't just sit idly by and allow my blunder to devastate Dr. Gill's ambitions. Knowing that there was a dental competition underway, I visited the NMCCB's website to learn more about it. Low-and-behold, I found that Dr. Gill Marvin was in fact the only other entrant!

Well, at this point I felt like a REAL LOUSE! So, I decided I would do some digging into Dr. Marvin's practice. Well guess what! DR. Marvin isn't a DOCTOR at all!"

Yet another collective gasp from the crowd.

"That's right! As it turns out, he was expelled from dental school during his first year for SEXUAL HARASSMENT, and never received his MD! I did some more digging and found out that he fraudulently opened up his dental practice only 1 year later. Now, here's the best part!"

The entire banquet hall was now brimming with a mixture of excitement and confusion.

"I decided to see just how 'Dr. Marvin' was able to perform so many fillings, so I booked an appointment myself. After receiving what I thought were 3 fillings, I arrived home to find that he had simply smeared white paint over all my teeth- No fillings at all!!!"

Dr. Marvin shoved Chester Hamp off of the microphone. "This is ridiculous!" exclaimed Dr. Marvin. "I deny every claim this guy just made! It ain't true I tell ya!"

Just then a voice yelled from somewhere in the middle of the room, "Mr. Hamp is right!" it was Mrs. Bigglebun now standing up at her table. "I took my precious little angels to have their cavities filled by Dr. Marvin, but all he did was paint their teeth!"

Another gasp.

Dr. Marvin now looked incredibly uncomfortable. Loosening his bow tie he tried to explain, "Wuh- well- you know what- this guy- jeez-it's all a buncha-aaheehaaAAHHHH!!!" He totally lost it and pulled out a handgun, aiming it point blank at Chester Hamp's head.

Another BIG gasp.

"NOW look whach'ya made me do! You just HAAAD to go diggin' around didn'cha!?! DIDN'CHA?!?" yelled Dr. Marvin, "Well THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YA MESS WITH OL' GILL MARVIN!!!"

Just then a loud BANG rang out. The room gasped so f-ing loud that it almost blew out the windows. Gill Marvin dropped to his knees, then flopped on his side, blood running out the side of his head.

Dr. Marvin Gill was standing up at his table, his normally concealed weapon now brandished in his outstretched arm, smoke flowing out from the muzzle.

The banquet hall erupted in applause. Kurt Prune walked up to the microphone and exclaimed, "Ladies and Gentlemen- I present the TRUE winner of the NMCCB's 'Which Dentist Can Perform the Most Fillings Contest'- Dr. Marvin Gill!!!"

...

It had been a month since Dr. Gill had won the contest, and things were now getting back to normal. His dental practice now benefited from a huge uptick in appointments and new patients, and best of all was the new trophy that Dr. Gill proudly put on display on the reception counter.

In addition to the "Most Fillings Contest" 1st place trophy, Dr. Gill had recently mounted a new prize in his office, right over the reception counter. It may not have given him as much pride as the NMCCB trophy, but it certainly brought him great personal pleasure. Directly above the reception desk on the wall was Gill Marvin's head, stuffed, with a placard that read "Gill Marvin- WORST Dentist in Town".

THE END

submitted by /u/SuperChavela
[link] [comments]

from Short Stories http://bit.ly/2YijNNG