The clouds danced across the horizon, leaving behind wisps in their wake. The wind blew gently across the dry, but still green, lawns. The intermittent spells of rain was what kept these battered plants alive, being trampled under masses of feet that ran over them.
Dominating the scene was a red and white edifice. To any casual onlooker, it was just another archaic building, in another archaic institution. Despite being recently renovated, it still retained that old world charm, which always attracts people. The whole place looked deserted. However, if one looked closely, they would have noticed a figure seated in the shadows of the building. It was so still, that one would have not seen it there unless one was looking for it.
The man was tall and spare, his coal black eyes peering through glasses. He sat in silence, staring at something on the ground, his mind preoccupied with past things. He was no stranger to this place. Indeed, much of his life had been defined in this institution, a place where people tried to be better humans, capable of helping others. But the moment that had shaped his future, his way of life had happened here, inside the very building outside which he stood now, almost 20 years later.
For 20 years, he had never met anyone, immersing himself in the obscurity that truly backward places can offer. He had thrown himself into work, reveling in the hardships faced during the completion of his duty, while many others with him had fled, unable to adjust to the hardships after living luxuriously for most of their lives. But then, he thought, he had been through hardships most of his life. Rejected by parents who didn’t want him around, despised by people who never tried to understand him or his thoughts, he had learned to be cold and indifferent for most his life. Until ‘SHE’ happened.
Until now, the man’s face had been expressionless. But now, it became a shattered mask, half haunted, half remembering. She was the reason he was here, coming out of the haze of obscurity he had created for himself. In his hand was the letter that had reached him only a week ago, and had given him a hope– a faint whisper of it. Now he waited for her, at the very place where he had taken the decision of his life, one that had affected the lives of many.
***
20 years ago, he had stood on the threshold of this institution, not knowing whether he was right in coming here or not. He had offers form institutions that made others green with envy, yet his parents sent him here. He had tackled many problems head on, but now a strange fear gripped him. He joined the rush of students swarming up the stairs, all intent on reaching their classes. Entering his class, he made a beeline for the last row, where one empty seat remained. But as luck would have it, another guy got there just before him
“Bad luck, pardner”, said a tall, curly haired boy jauntily, dropping into the seat.
Scowling, he made his way to the last two empty seats in the class, third row. He sat down, carefully putting on an expressionless face. Suddenly, someone dropped into the seat next to him. Instinctively, he looked around.
And groaned silently.
It was a GIRL.
It wasn’t as if he was a misogynist, but he just couldn’t stand them. All high pitched voices, drowning in cosmetics, especially perfumes, gossiping endlessly. He had much better thing to do than indulge in idle chit chat. He was on a mission, and he had to finish that.
The girl next to him was no exception, except that she had no gaudy cosmetics on. She smiled broadly and held out a hand. “Hi, I am Tanya. What’s yours?
He ignored it, staring straight ahead, not even acknowledging her presence. After a slightly embarrassed pause, she lowered her hand. She shrugged and started to talk – again. He sighed. It was going to be a long day.
Lunch break was spent in the cafeteria, trying to eat stuff the called ‘food’. He heard the babble of conversation; saw the sights of friendships being born, of love -struck couples gazing insipidly into each other eyes. “Fools”, he muttered. The sound of a body dropping into the chair beside him made him look around. He couldn’t believe his eyes. It was the same chatterbox from morning. “Hi. Everywhere else full. Do you mind?” He minded very much but then she was right. Every other seat was full.
Shrugging, he nodded his assent. Then, he got up, and walked off, leaving behind most of his lunch behind. “Hey!!” he heard the girl call. He kept on walking
Later that evening, back in his room, he just couldn’t concentrate on studies. The girl’s face kept popping up. The look on her face when he walked off during lunch! Unless she was thickheaded (which, according to him, girls often were) she would get the hint. Confident that no more trouble would follow, he drifted off to sleep.
Almost two months later, he was attending (albeit unwillingly) a class party. The psychedelic lights, the snazzy sounds, the heat of bodies twisting and gyrating in tandem with the rhythms of music – if one considered the noise booming out of the speakers rs as music. A coke in his hand, he sat in the darkest corner of the place, gazing at his classmates. So far, nobody had bothered him. In fact, no one had, for these past months, given the monosyllabic answers he had given to anyone who tried to build an acquaintance.
“Why don’t you go and dance?” a voice spoke out of the darkness, startling him, nearly making him spill his drink. Squinting, he tried to make out the features of the girl who spoke. As she spoke, she moved into the light. He squirmed internally. It was the same girl, who he had been deliberately ignoring for the last few months. She was wearing a black dress, with red and white roses patterned on it. She was thickheaded, as he had suspected, and persistently tried to talk to him. Every time she met with the same cold rebuff. Earlier, it was plain irritating, but now he had a grudging respect for her tenacity.
He made to get up, but she held his hand. “Tell me the reason for your avoiding everyone, especially me. Please…” He made to push past her, but she barred his way, her face determined. “Tell me. I deserve the truth.” He looked down at her, at her pixie like face pinched in anger and her lips set in determination. If he wanted, he could push her and be on his way. But in a way, she was right. She deserved the truth, if not all of it.
He sat down, and motioned her to come close. Eyes shining in anticipation, she leant closer. And with great trepidation, he started to talk.
***
He stirred as heard the leaves rustle on the path. With the barest movement he looked up. And continued looking up.
She was here.
She hadn’t changed much physically. Hell, she was looking as beautiful as 20 years ago. But it was the eyes that told him the truth. The eyes had seen and been through a lot; transforming that carefree, crazy girl he had once known into a person who was trying hard to exorcise the demons from her life.
He stood up. She stood where she was, hand at mouth, as if not believing her eyes. Both of them moved forward. It is at moments like these that time seems to stop. There was something ethereal in the air, something fragile, something inexorably delicate, which defied any logical thinking.
He broke into a small smile. She stepped forward. And slapped him. HARD.
The slap stung, and he blinked away tears. Her anger was righteous. He deserved it and everything more.
“Where have you been?? Where?? I... I just don’t know what to say..” she broke off. Sobbing, she pulled him close and hugged him.
She pulled back, tears glistening in her eyes. Pulling him to the steps, she said “Tell me what made you do what you did with me. And where have you been these past twenty years?”
***
That night was the first night in years when he had slept peacefully, without any weird dreams or premonitions. He felt so good, so free. He felt almost… happy. Maybe, after all these years, he had found somebody whom he could confide in, someone who wasn’t willing to be put off by his surliness. And this feeling paved the way for what he considered the greatest mistake of his life.
Ever since the night of the party, an uneasy sort of truce existed between him and her. He had, partially, told her about himself. She had seemed eager to know more, but had desisted from actively pressing for more. He, on the other hand, was thankful to her for giving him time to loosen up, a valuable commodity that most people didn’t give him. It started with small hi’s and hello’s whenever they met. It almost took another month to proceed to the casual questioning, which according to him, acted as a prelude to a deep friendship that was fragile as it was beautiful. He didn’t mind her spending time with other people – she always had been a people person. But the fact that she always made a point of talking to him made him feel somewhat warm and fuzzy, somewhat uncomfortable. Hell, he had even started to go beyond the monosyllabic answers, and started interacting with people of his class. Initially ever body was surprised, but soon he was as familiar as any of their group. To a certain extent, he was still aloof, but that was to be expected - a leopard cannot change his spots overnight. She taught him about the finer aspects of socialization, while he tried to academify her. Not that she needed it. She was ‘the all-rounder’ – good at almost everything. Others just couldn’t understand their friendship – they just couldn’t fathom how such diametrically people ever became friends, and close friends at that. When asked, she tried to, albeit unsuccessfully, to explain it, but she couldn’t.
And so 4 years passed, each passing day a tribute to their friendship. Until that fateful day, when everything went to hell.
***
Both of them sat on the stairs, not speaking a single word. They sat in silence, watching the sun sink, feeling the wind rustling the dry and dead leaves.
She could feel his eyes on her, waiting as usual. She still couldn’t believe that he was alive. For almost 15 years she had believed him dead. A month ago, when an old classmate of hers told her that he was alive, she had wept in relief. Despite everything, there was still someone whom she could always talk to. Deep down, something primal wanted to hug him, hold him close, and tell him about her deepest fears, as she had once had.
And then she began to speak.
***
She had been sitting at the college annual fest, bored to death. As always, she was surrounded by a gaggle of girls, who were whispering incessantly to their boyfriends. At times like this, she wished Abhinav was around. Though he remained quiet for most of their time together, she preferred his company more. Sometimes, she wondered if he loved her – but then, she laughed at herself. Abhinav and love were oxymoronic at the very least.
And it was then that ‘HE’ entered her life.
He was one of the quieter guys on campus (as if she didn’t have enough of them in her life), a year senior to him. She had never particularly paid much attention to him. But, as she heard him sing, a guitar in hand, his eyes locking on her, she felt something primal surge within her. It was as if her whole body was afire, her body was being born again. She saw the things that he sang about, and things beyond.
The performance finished, and she was among the first to rush to him, whooping and yelling. He seemed mildly surprised by all the attention, and played along. But she was acting like a teenager, batting her eyelids at him, and flirting outrageously with him. She couldn’t believe herself, but then, attraction often causes people to act in ways they wouldn’t have believed themselves to be capable of.
Never before, in 4 years of college, had she felt so alive, so afire with energy. She couldn’t wait to tell Abhinav about this. Maybe, he will give something other than his usual poker face.
She was disappointed. She had run like an impatient child, exuberantly telling Abhinav about her falling for this guy. He had received the news with perfect equanimity, his face giving nothing away. She remembered staring into those glass rimmed eyes, thinking of what was going on inside that rain of his.
***
He had received the shock of his life when she had told of him about her sudden upwelling of feelings for some senior. With great difficulty, he had controlled himself from saying or expressing anything.
That night, he tossed about in bed, unable to sleep. Finally, he had gone to the hostel roof. Pacing up and down, he thought about why this news, though not unexpected, had affected him so much.
In a way, he had grown fond of her. No, it wasn’t love – he was sure of it. Realistically, he knew, her vision of life did not involve him as a partner – it involved him as a friend. And neither did he. What he wanted was her happiness. If she was happy with another person, so be it. He could not dictate his
pleasure or displeasure at her choice. She would see it as interference. And he wasn’t prepared to put, as he called it ‘His Precious’ (admittedly, a bit perverted – but that was what their friendship was to him) –on the line for something as trivial as a boyfriend.
For her sake, he decided to maintain appearances and establish a rapport with the guy.
***
She was in seventh heaven. After much stammering and stumbling, and much urging form Abhinav, she finally professed feelings of attraction to Ritesh, who in turn admitted, rather shamefacedly, that he had been attracted to her since day one of college, but had not the courage to say so. Also, he had thought that she and Abhinav had, so to speak, ’been together’.
‘Been together’? That was ridiculous, she had said. She and Abhinav were best friends, nothing more. Even Abhinav, who had been quiet during ‘The Proposal’, butted in to say so.
And thus, began a torrid, tempestuous courting.
***
That final year of college was the turning point in their relationship. She was besotted with Ritesh, and spent time not spent on studying with him. Days passed, and often, he ended up alone, with nobody to talk to. But still, he was friendly to Ritesh. Because of her. For him, her happiness was paramount. But yeah, sometimes, when he felt particularly low, he did end up cursing Ritesh for taking away the one thing of value in his life – his friendship with Tanya.
One fine day, she told him that Ritesh had asked her to marry her. And what had she said? He asked, genuinely curious, even though he knew the answer. She had agreed, but after entering her post – graduation. Ritesh was fine with it, as he had hoped to get into post – graduation himself.
That was the final nail in the coffin their friendship had been consigned to. He had remembered storming off, leaving her surprised. Later that night, he had cried in his room. In spite of his best intentions and efforts, he had fallen for Tanya. It had just happened, he just didn’t know when.
After days of indecision, his decision was made. He went and met Ritesh in his room. He told him everything. Understandably, Ritesh was angry, but then, he assured him that he was going away for good and that he would never meet them again. All Ritesh had to do was not to tell her, and after about a year of marriage, tell that he had died in an accident. It would give him an authentic reason for not coming near her. What he wanted in return was a firm assurance that Ritesh would take care of her, giving her all the love and respect she deserved. They had hugged, and parted friends.
The day after graduation, he vanished. All efforts to trace him failed. Some said he left for the Americas, some said that he was dead.
3 years later, Tanya and Ritesh got married at a civil ceremony, in presence of those near and dear.
***
For Tanya, married life was bliss. She was grateful to have a husband, who supported her in everything she did, and loved her beyond measure. Her star was on the rise, with her conquering new frontiers in her field of work. They were so happy with each other, that they never wanted any kids,. Though work was tough and demanding, sometimes, in the solitude that is often found by people working long hours, she remembered Abhinav. In his own gruff, inscrutable way, he had cared about her. She had cried for days when they couldn’t find him, and had thought him dead. What she couldn’t understand was Ritesh’s behavior whenever she mentioned about Abhinav – a cold indifference that she couldn’t fathom, considering the fact that both of them had gotten pretty well along.
And life continued on, until the day the fabric of her existence was shattered by a revelation.
***
For him, isolation was not a problem. He had been born in it, molded by it. He had not learned about the simple pleasures of human company until he was a man, and by then, it was nothing to him but gibberish. He had taken the harshest, most inhospitable place his organization could offer work in, and went in.
He worked like a man possessed, trudging on when all others gave up. His misery gave him resilience that was unmatched, and an unyielding fortitude. His superiors thought him crazy, and warned him about burnout. But years passed, and still he worked, as hard as ever. He spoke only when necessary, and usually kept to himself. His co-workers learnt to keep away, as any attempts to pry into his past were met with a stony silence. When his superiors asked him what kept him driven, all he said was “I have lived my entire life not knowing my purpose, like a moth drawn to a flame. But no more. No more”.
The only times when they saw any expression closely resembling happiness was when they saw him receive letters – that too once a year. His face would light up, and behind that mask of cold efficiency, they saw the glimpse of something frail, something fundamentally human. Along with these letters, he also got photographs, at which he would gaze in snatched moments of solitude.
Even after being diagnosed with one of the most dreaded diseases around, he still remained indefatigable. It was inhuman, and scary, to see him walking about.
He had never taken an extra day off – until the day that he got another letter. This time, he asked for a week’s leave. And he left.
***
The harsh tang of antiseptic, the too bright halogen lights, the undercurrent of fear, and the stench of death. All this, and more, assaulted her as she rushed headlong to the Emergency. She dealt with such things daily, but every disaster takes a different turn once there is a personal aspect to it. Ask the person who is affected, or his relatives, they know it. Earlier she could empathize with relatives, but know she understood the full scope of disaster, which empathy could reduce, but not remove. For this time, she was on the receiving end.
She burst into the ward, her beautiful face tear stricken. Ritesh lay there, his body battered and broken, life barely clinging to his bones. He broke into a bloodstained smile, a couple of teeth missing, coughing up blood, even as a team of doctors worked frantically to stabilize him. He held out a blood stained hand, motioning her to come closer.
“Listen. There. Are. Things. I. Need. To. Tell. You…” he wheezed, coughing mouthfuls of blood.
He motioned her to come closer. Confusion and terror on her face, she leant closer. Coughing blood, he told her what she needed to know. Utter disbelief marred her features as she took in his revelations. His eyes glittered in dark amusement, as if laughing at a joke only he could understand.
***
3 days later, Ritesh died.
For weeks, Tanya’s life spun out of control. Her brain seemed to have jammed. There were too many things to handle – Ritesh’s death, the improbable fact that Abhinav was alive. She was emotionally blank, even as two emotions warred within her, threatening to tear her apart.
About 6 months later, she sat down to write a letter. She knew not if the recipient was still alive. All she had to go on was the words of a dying man. She already had lost everything of value in her life, so she knew that she wouldn’t mind disappointment.
***
The clouds danced across the horizon, leaving behind wisps in their wake. The wind blew gently across the dry, but still green, lawns. The intermittent spells of rain was what kept these battered plants alive, being trampled under masses of feet that ran over them.
Dominating the scene was a red and white edifice. To any casual onlooker, it was just another archaic building, in another archaic institution. Despite being recently renovated, it still retained that old world charm, which always attracts people. The whole place looked deserted. However, if one looked closely, they would have noticed a figure seated in the shadows of the building. It was so still, that one would have not seen it there unless one was looking for it.
The man was tall and spare, his coal black eyes peering through glasses. He sat in silence, staring at something on the ground, his mind preoccupied with past things. He was no stranger to this place. Indeed, much of his life had been defined in this institution, a place where people tried to be better humans, capable of helping others. But the moment that had shaped his future, his way of life had happened here, inside the very building outside which he stood now, almost 20 years later.
For 20 years, he had never met anyone, immersing himself in the obscurity that truly backward places can offer. He had thrown himself into work, reveling in the hardships faced during the completion of his duty, while many others with him had fled, unable to adjust to the hardships after living luxuriously for most of their lives. But then, he thought, he had been through hardships most of his life. Rejected by parents who didn’t want him around, despised by people who never tried to understand him or his thoughts, he had learned to be cold and indifferent for most his life. Until ‘SHE’ happened.
Until now, the man’s face had been expressionless. But now, it became a shattered mask, half haunted, half remembering. She was the reason he was here, coming out of the haze of obscurity he had created for himself. In his hand was the letter that had reached him only a week ago, and had given him a hope
– a faint whisper of it. Now he waited for her, at the very place where he had taken the decision of his life, one that had affected the lives of many.
He stirred as heard the leaves rustle on the path. With the barest movement he looked up. And continued looking up.
She was here.
She hadn’t changed much physically. Hell, she was looking as beautiful as 20 years ago. But it was the eyes that told him the truth. The eyes had seen and been through a lot; transforming that carefree, crazy girl he had once known into a person who was trying hard to exorcise the demons from her life.
He stood up. She stood where she was, hand at mouth, as if not believing her eyes. Both of them moved forward. It is at moments like these that time seems to stop. There was something ethereal in the air, something fragile, something inexorably delicate, which defied any logical thinking.
He broke into a small smile. She stepped forward. And slapped him. HARD.
The slap stung, and he blinked away tears. Her anger was righteous. He deserved it and everything more.
“Where have you been?? Where?? I... I just don’t know what to say..” she broke off. Sobbing, she pulled him close and hugged him.
She pulled back, tears glistening in her eyes. Pulling him to the steps, she said “Tell me what made you do what you did with me. And where have you been these past twenty years?”
Momentarily shocked into silence, Abhinav paused to collect his thoughts.
“Tanya, I loved you the moment you met came and tried to introduce yourself to me in class that day. It was a first that any person actually wanted to talk to me. But I knew, your life was meant for something bigger, someone who was a better human being than me. Circumstances have changed me into a person who has become inured to the horror that he is.” “But you were a good man -” started Tanya.
“I maybe, but was I ultimately better than Ritesh?” “No, but-“
“I wanted you to be happy. I admit that was selfish of me. Am I not allowed a little happiness?” “But we can be together.”
“Please do not insult Ritesh’s memory. Anyway, you have gone through a lot that is enough for a lifetime. I have less than 3 weeks to live. I will not be the cause for sorrow in your life.”
“What happened?” she asked, flabbergasted. “Nothing whatsoever”, he said, flippantly.
“I think I have a right to know!” she snarled.
“You lost your right the day you married Ritesh. You married him, and are ordering me around. Not going to work.”
“Why did you come then?”
“I wanted to see you last time, before dying. Isn’t that enough?” he bellowed. “No, it isn’t. “She said softly. “You still love me, don’t you?”
“I will love you till I die, but I cannot be so irresponsible so as to come is as an opportunist.”
“Abhinav… please… You have been the rock in my life, I need you now, more than ever…” she stammered, tears in her eyes.
“I told you, not going to work”
He turned and left, leaving her in the shadows, among the dead leaves, helpless and alone, to bear the weight of the world. She stood there for a long time, hoping that he would come back.
He never did.
***
The room lined with photographs usually brought fond memories back, but now it was another burden in a life filled with burdens. He sat in an armchair, staring at the flames which flickered in the fireplace
And then, softly, he began to cry.
[End]
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from Short Stories http://bit.ly/31dFkcA
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