Ever since Barnum and Bailey had shut down, it was hard to find a circus worthy of one's time, but this one was a real delight. Northwest of Washington D.C. was the closest showing Isaac could find. He drove over and marveled at how massive it was.
Such a beautiful venue. It had a Ferris wheel, a small roller coaster, cotton candy - everything a circus could ask for. And in one big tent was a clown show. Isaac loved clowns. Everyone always went on about how scary they were and there were even scares in the media about clowns. So stupid.
Isaac stood in line awaiting his turn to enter. He had ordered tickets in advance. Apparently this clown was one of the greatest and had rave reviews for his edgy comedy routines and slapstick performances.
As he entered, he saw that inside it looked like a theater, with a stage and curtains and seats lined up row after row. Amazing. Isaac checked his ticket and found that he got a front row seat.
Once everyone sat down, the clown show began. Alfonso walked out on stage and honked his nose at some giggling kids in the front row.
"Good evening, kids, how are you?"
The kids laughed. Isaac laughed.
"What's so funny? I asked how you are? Why is everyone laughing at me?"
The crowd laughed more. Isaac laughed more.
The clown singled out Isaac next, to his chagrin. "Would you like to come up and honk my nose?"
Isaac grinned and walked up on stage. The clown faced Isaac and began instructing him on how to honk his nose. "Okay, what you're going to do, is just grab it here, and be sure to be gentle."
Isaac walked up and pressed gently. As the nose honk, he shirt comically ripped off to a "zing!" sound and a "ba dum tsh!"
The crowd laughed, Isaac laughed and flexed a little, and the crowd laughed some more. Isaac didn't understand why he was getting all of this attention, but he decided to soak up his ticket's worth.
Alfonso's flower spat some sort of gas in Isaac's face and he suddenly felt detached but could feel everything more. He looked around confused.
The gas filled the ring top and everyone started laughing more.
"Your nipples look like pepperonis, you know that?" Alfonso said. "That puts me in the mood for pizza. Who here wants pizza?" Everyone screamed yes, as Isaac nodded, laughed, and clapped.
A table was rolled out with an already-made crust with nothing on it, and behind Isaac was rolled a stretcher with restraints. Oh boy, this was going to be an edgy one, Isaac thought!
He's going to pretend to make a pizza out of me!
Isaac put on the restraints and got set up to be made into the pizza.
"Looks like we have a volunteer!" Alfonso exclaimed.
Alfonso got out a pair of rubber knives and put it up to his nipples.
"First comes the sauce, of course - and we can get the pepperonis in the meantime!"
A little more gas came out, and then the rubber knife went to work - but it didn't feel very rubbery. In fact it hurt a lot. Searing pain as the knife went in. Isaac realized what was happening, but instead of screaming, he laughed. He couldn't do anything else. Blood came spewing out of his chest where his nipples were cut off, as the demented clown sent the "sauce" spewing onto the crust.
Next was the cheese, and Alfonso used a cheese grater to remove Isaac's skin. The entire crowd laughed. Isaac laughed and mouthed "help me" as he smiled, and everyone just laughed. Isaac was in agony as Alfonso scraped his skin off inch by inch, the crowd laughing as the "cheese" fell onto the pizza.
"This pizza needs sausage", Alfonso said. "Think it needs sausage?" The crowd cheered yes. Isaac shook his head slightly but the crowd didn't care anymore.
Alfonso ripped his pants off and added the "sausage" as Isaac screamed in pain, morphed into laughter by the gas, to the sound of another "zing!" and snare drums.
Everyone was laughing. Isaac was laughing as he cried in agony. The pepperoni and sausage was added.
"Okay we need to get this schmuck into emergency care quick!" Isaac said with a honk of his nose and the laughter of the audience, and Isaac was wheeled behind the curtain.
There was a wood chipper, and Isaac was fed into it, feet first, and the sound and the screams made the audience laugh.
The punchline is that nobody filed a missing person's report when Isaac didn't show up to work on Monday. It was assumed that he fled the country, so his belongings were put up for auction and his landlord simply found a replacement tenant.
Ba dum tssh!
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from Short Stories
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