I look out of glazed eyes onto a colorless cafeteria were at least two hundred of my classmates eat, talk, laugh, and gossip over the round tables filling the giant room. Almost everyone enjoys the short period of the day where whole friend groups and romantic pairs can be together. Everyone's caught up in their conversations or activities, but no one is oblivious to the people in the room who don’t hold lunch so high on their favorites list. Not everyone has someone to spend lunch with. We are told to be nice and look for people who might be alone, but no one ever does. Even the looming presence of teachers don’t have the compassion to reach out. I am one of these people called “loners”. From my point of view the loners are just seeking attention by being pitied and sneaking their way into friend groups of people who feel sorry for them. Me on the other hand try to attract as little attention as possible, sometimes even going out of my way to avoid it. Some of these loners crave friendship and social acceptance, but I see no purpose in such things. After all I am still alive after 16 years and I have had no one I would consider a so called friend. People laugh and cry together, but these feeling have always been a mystery to me. I could never relate to being angry, sad, joyful, etc. Even tho I saw people around me running about with smiles or tears on their faces. I could never quite decipher the reasoning behind them. This is one of the two reasons I tend to stray away from the herd. The other reason is that I can’t see color. My eyes see things differently than most people. I see grays and blacks and whites while others see a rainbow of color. It is like watching the black and white channel on tv because you can’t find the remote so you decide to just deal with it. Emotions play a strong role in the foundation of any relationship. Be it love in a friendship or romantic relationship or admiration in a worker to boss relation or in a child and parent relationship. What many people don’t realize is how much color has to do in a relationship. Imagine a friend asking you if a color looks good on them, or if you like the color scheme of something, or even just talking about your favorite colors. With how little I know about emotions matched with my sight is a deadly dose in any friendship. It is just too hard to relate to everyone all the time, so I prefer to be alone.
I wake to the sound of a dying animal that is my alarm clock. I turn to my left and quickly hit the off button to stop the onslaught of noise invading my ears and ripping me violently from my dreams. I look at the clock to see flashing light gray numbers that read 6:30. I sluggishly sit up and rub my eyes not quite ready to get out of my lumpy bed. I look out of the top window where I am greeted with a sunrise. I should see a light blue sky with a blend of beautiful hues of red, orange and purple, but instead it all gloops together into a mush of grays. The astonishing view of the Texas sunrise has been reduced to what looks like a crumpled up family picture with all the memories it once had gone with the people that held them so close. I turn my head to my room dismissing the sight. The room is small and quaint giving it a homey vibe. It was originally an attic, but after I turned six my mom thought I should have my own room instead of sharing one with her. So she transform the attic into a small bedroom for me. My bed is push underneath the only window in the room which has a badly installed air conditioner that lets in rain. Across the room is a vanity with the mirror ripped out and an emo band poster in its place. It’s matched with a “rolling” office chair that has lost all of its feet and now can only swivel. I stand up and walk over to my dresser resting against the far wall. It has mixed matched handles not one quite resembling another, a rooted off top exposing the top drawers, and only one foot making it lopsided. I open one of the middle drawers and grab my usual outfit of a plain t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I change my clothes, throwing the dirty ones in a hamper, then stand in front of the vanity mirror I nailed to one of the beams holding the house’s roof up. Inside I see my small body reflected back at me. People have told me I have brown eyes and that match my brown, wavy, long hair. I part my hair into a left side part and steal one last scan of myself before I go. I’m shorter and thinner than average with some of my bone visible in some spots with my hair reaching to the middle of my back. I walk towards the door and grab my signature light gray jacket and my messenger bag. I bend down and lift the hatch that leads to a later for easy access to the ground floor. I climb down, walk through the hallway and turn past the living area to the kitchen. My mom sits half in and half out if the window with a cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Her hair is pulled back into a messy bun and she has a gray waitress uniform on that says Jo’s Dinner across the breast pocket. When she notices I am there she blows a puff of smoke out the window and turns to face me.
“How’s my little angel doing this morning,” my mom asks in an bright tone.
“Fine” This is the same routine we go through every morning. My mom has called me angel since I was a little girl because whenever someone watched me they would always tell my mom I was an angel. I still don’t really break the rules if there isn’t a reason to, so my reputation still reigns true.
“So what are you going to do this weekend,” my mom questions as she turns back to the window.
“Sarah asked if I could spend the night at her house tonight if your cool with it,” I say trying to attempt a happy voice.
“Of course you can go. You do know you can have your friends over here,” my mom said in a in a worried tone.
“Yes” I say in an exasperated voice.
I walk over to the counter and steal a piece of my mom’s toast before I head out.
“Bye mom” I say closing the door not giving her time to respond.
I walk down the sidewalk with my earbuds in and my old mp3 player playing some old music. As the prospect of school looms literally around the corner I like to distract myself with the classic rock songs of the 80’s. The entrance to school is always crowded with people standing around waiting for friends, so I tend to sneak in one of the back doors. The theater kids use as a loading dock for there props and they have a bad habit of leaving it unlocked after their practices. I walk over to the dock and open the door to find a pitch black hallway that leads to the stage of the auditorium. I walk to the end and then on stage and I keep going until I am at the door leading out of the room. I push it open and walk into a common area waiting room where people wait for the doors to concerts of plays to open. Like me, a mediocre amount of students wait for class here in the mornings. I find an open chair in the corner and turn up my headphones to max to block out as much sound as possible. I peer over a boy’s shoulder and read the time off his phone and see that I have about twenty minutes before I need to head for class. I lean back in my chair the best I can and close my eyes. I let my mind run wild, thinking about a different life in a far off place. I settle on a fantasy world full of magic and let my mind naturally create a life and scenarios in it. I call theses moments alone Mind Movies. Whenever I am bored or waiting to do something I “watch” a Mind Movie.
I have a feeling it is about time to go so I open my eyes and look at the time again. I was about five minutes early, but I guess I could leave now. Getting up I walk past the tables of the common area and try and exit out into the hall. I walk down the crowded hallways squeezing pass my priors to get to first period. I eventually find my way to B108 my history class. My seat is in the back next to the far wall. I sit right behind this girl who reads under her breath and talks to the guy beside her a little too much. Her friend used to sit next to me, but she got moved across the room for “inappropriate classroom edict” in other words she was talking during the lessons.
I am usually the first one to sit down since the rest of the class is talking to their friends either in here or the hall, today is no different. I take my seat and look up to the clock which reads 8:35 about ten minutes until the bell for class rings. A group of kids sit in the corner adjacent to mine talking about the latest drama. I pull out my library book called Frozen Sun. I turn to the six chapter labeled Icy Cores where I left off yesterday and start to read about the dead suns of the universe. I get so invested that I almost don’t realize when someone takes the seat next to me. This isn’t unusual for a group of students to sometimes take the seat back here to talk, but this time without even looking up I know this person is alone.
“Hi my name is Claire,” she says in my direction. I can tell that this greeting is meant to be reciprocated, but I don’t want to have a talking session take away from my book.
“Hi,” I say hoping the short response will scare her away.
“ Um... what’s your name?”
By the tone of her voice I can tell my strategy is working.
“ Val.”
“Well Val, I am new here and Mr. Stewart told me this seat was open and that if I had any questions or need help finding something in the building than to ask someone around me,” she says seeming to have her confidence back.
“Well the girl that sits in front of me will be more than happy to show you around. Her name is Sarah by the way.”
“Oh... thanks I guess,” she said in a somewhat confused sounding voice. I am pretty sure she is done talking to me so I return to my book that my eyes never left in the first place.
“So what do we usually do in this class anyways,” Claire says with a brighter tone then before. It is almost like she knows what I am doing and fighting back with her intrusiveness. Well I can fight too.
“ I don’t understand why you are still talking to me when I already said that Sarah would answer your questions,” I say putting a little irritation in my voice. That will definitely get her to leave me alone.
“I just.. thought we.. could be friends,” she says in a small voice.
I am a little taken aback by this. No one has ever tied to be my “friend” since preschool maybe because we haven’t had an new people in years and word of me spreads quickly to new comers. I can’t stop myself before my reaction slips and I look up from my book to see a girl with light gray hair and a nice shirt and jeans sitting next to me. She is looking at me with an emotion I can’t quite place in her dark eyes.
“Oh,” I say not thinking.
Ding ding
“Class take your seats it is time to start. Please turn to page 56 in your history book.”
It looks like I lost …or was she even fighting?
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from Short Stories http://bit.ly/2WPhrFS
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